Monthly Archive 12/2007

Roger Ebert Sucks

posted by Crazed on 2007/12/9 (Rants)

I just stumbled on something humorous.

A darker, deeper fantasy epic than the Rings trilogy, The Chronicles of Narnia or the Potter films. It springs from the same world of quasi-philosophical magic, but creates more complex villains and poses more intriguing questions. Roger Ebert, in regards to the movie The Golden Compass

You, sir, are a buffoon, a baboon, and a bassoon. Even setting aside the fact that The Lord of the Rings books are vastly better than the movies, I don't think a movie has been made in the last two decades which has surpassed the grandeur, the cultural impact, and the awe of Peter Jackson's The Lord of the Rings trilogy. Some wanna-be fantasy series written by some lunatic more obsessed with inserting his views into his work rather than writing his work is nothing compared to J.R.R. Tolkien.

Although Tolkien may have been a Catholic, he was consistent in maintaining that his work was no allegory (literal allegory, anyway (if there can be such a thing)) to the events the Bible teaches happened. Now, obviously, a few views slipped in (such as monotheism ("gods" is actually a misnomer applied to angels in Middle-Earth) and absolute truth), but he's not saying "Aragorn is Christ the King, Sauron is the devil (Actually, Melkor, a egocentric fallen angel never seen in the LotR books nor the movies, was the devil. Surprised?) and Gandalf is another facet of Christ." He would be annoyed if someone said that, because that's not how it's meant to be taken.

Now, however, the goof who wrote Northern Lights, the book on which the movie The Golden Compass is based, has supposedly written a series of childrens' books. Is that so, Mr. Goof? Let's take a look at a quotation from the book.

There are churches there, believe me, that cut their children too, as the people of B. did - not in the same way, but just as horribly. They cut their sexual organs, yes, both boys and girls; they cut them with knives so that they shan't feel. That is what the church does, and every church is the same: control, destroy, obliterate every good feeling...

What in the name of sanity is that doing in a book which Wikipedia defines as "primarily marketed to young adults"? Your answer is as good as mine. If you rolled Rush Limbaugh, Hillary Clinton and Al Sharpton in a ball, that sphere of hideousness would not come close to reaching the levels of bias as Mr. Goof so smugly contains.

So, in conclusion, screw you, Roger Ebert.

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Namco Needs a Cold Shower

posted by Zara on 2007/12/11 (Rants)

If you're not familiar with Namco, then I salute you. They're the ones behind the series of popular fighting games known as Soul Calibur where massive breasts attached to women with swords fight to the death. Now don't get me wrong, they're great games. They have beautiful graphics and great gameplay value and managed to create Nightmare, one of the coolest video game characters there is, but there's one thing that's always irritated me about their games, and with my exploration of their newest in the series Soul Calibur 4, I figured something needed to be said. See, there's a very specific reason why these games are as popular as they are, aside from the good gameplay, and I'll summarize it in a single word:


Seriously. Boobs. And I'll prove it to you. Out of seven confirmed female characters already in Soul Calibur 4, I've noticed that four of them seem to share something in common. So I made a little picture to show what I found. Can you see what it is?


Judging from the pictures, Cassandra (bottom left) is the smallest of the four, and hers look like triple Ds. Hell, it took me a full five minutes of looking at Sophitia (top right) before I realized she had tears in her eyes, probably crying over the immense back-pain she's being put through. Now, I'm used to female characters in video games being oversized and underdressed, but in all honesty, Namco has taken it to an absurd level with Soul Calibur 4.

As an example, let's take a look at Ivy's ever expanding bust size over the years. These are her versions from each of the Soul Calibur games leading up until 4.


Her newest boobjob has rendered her mammaries large enough to warrant their own zip code. Not to mention her costume somehow leaving her with less armor than actual underwear would. I don't think they realize that there's a fine line between sexy and laughable, and if they do, then they're not even trying to take their own characters seriously anymore.

Yet at the same time, Namco created a new character for the game, named Hilde, who sports a very heavy and very conservative set of armor. Normally, I'd say this is a good thing, but it's not. By balancing out the scales with this seemingly "unsexy" woman, Namco thinks that gives them permission to inflate the chest size of everyone else in the game by 300%, and reduce their clothing to be as skintight as possible or just plain ridiculous.

Okay, so that last one was a guy, but still. Voldo's costumes have always been stupid. And with stupid costumes comes a price far, far worse than anything we could have prepared for.


Seriously, Namco, stop designing your games with your penises.

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